Drifting

Before 5 years ago, I had never even considered having a “5 year plan.” It was my most desperate wish to get back to drifting aimlessly as soon as possible.  To be honest, I would still like to get back to that… I’d just like to do it in a way that doesn’t involve total poverty.  To this end, 5 years ago I developed a 5 year plan.  The plan was to get educated and then make another plan. I’ve earned a degree in Sociology, and somehow upsold myself from a minor in Philosophy to an additional Bachelor of Arts.  In this way, the “getting educated” part of my plan went exceptionally well.  I’m in the “making another plan” part of that plan.  It feels a lot like drifting down a river and waiting to get snagged on something.

I don’t mind this feeling.  It’s kind of my comfort zone, actually. Drifting. Waiting to see what opportunities the current snags on. It’s only been a few months since graduation and the new plan is starting to take shape.  I can’t quite see it just yet… but it’s forming.  It includes Graduate School, sooner rather than later, and a PhD… probably.  A super cool Grad program presented itself to me, and pointed me down a path that I hadn’t actually considered.  A path that I had, in fact, spoken openly against… for myself anyway.  Suddenly, though, it absolutely made the most sense and no amount of my having said “I hate psychology” made any kind of difference… because the program focuses on LGBTQ couples and families.  My community *needs* this service, and I have a “see a need; fill a need” personal policy.  Phase one of the new plan: Begin a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy specializing in LGBTQ couples and families. People who know me personally will probably find this part of my new plan ironic for a variety of reasons… because it is. Whatever.  I am really excited about it.

The coolest part of this Grad program is that I can do it almost entirely online. I mean, not the internship or practicum of course.  I have to do those locally wherever I want to be licensed. Until then, however, I can actually get a damned job.  This is phase two of the new plan, and it has not yet become clear.  For several weeks I diligently submitted 3-5 resumes and cover letters per day, often with basic applications.  There must be a million of them floating around in this general area now along with being posted on several job boards.  I’ve lost a bit of diligence at this point, but I put a new application in every few days when something catches my eye.  I had one interview… but that didn’t work out. What’s interesting is the opportunities that come from my posted resume on the job boards.  For instance, I may join FEMA Corps for a year and be a part of the Corporation for National Community Service again. This means travel and adventure!  Or, if I got some kind of major brain injury, I could choose to be an auto insurance adjuster and become some new version of Tyler Durden.  Gender bending the old movies is the cool thing to do these days, right?!

I would really like to get a job.  Strictly speaking, it could be any job but I just earned 2 BAs and qualify for jobs that society calls “careers.”  The word “career” freaks me out.  It calls to mind horrifying images of boredom and permanence.  It sounds like a trap, or a corral in which mustangs are broken.  I don’t see myself stumbling into a “career” just yet, and when I do it won’t be one that resembles a corral.  The trouble is, the jobs for which I’m actively applying reflect my level of education and experience and therefore resemble careers… which means *I* have to resemble a relatively normal adult of some kind to get one.  So… we’ll see how that goes.  Until something pans out and the rest of my new plan becomes clear, I’ll just be comfortably drifting.

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POOR PEOPLE CARE MORE

A Thing that I have noticed in the last few years is that I have a bunch of friends (and a mom) that would LIKE to help me out… but are just as crushingly poor as I am.  They gladly share GoFundMe campaigns created to try to keep a roof over our head, and offer couches and floor space for a time when I will inevitably fail at that task.  They would, of course, contribute to said funds if they weren’t in nearly the same position.

Conversely, I have family & people who have at times said “if you need anything….” that could feasibly help but couldn’t be bothered to care if my daughter and I end up living under a bridge… and would, in fact, rather blame me for not being more successful even though I am in college right now to correct that problem.  If I were complaining about being a member of the working poor, they would suggest I get an education and then a better job.  I think we all know that is not how the economy works… but I seem to be in the process of doing that anyway.  Since I am taking the advise of dim witted conservatives, working my ass off at obtaining that education, the advise they offer now is “get a (shitty) job” on top of the 50+ hrs/wk you spend on school and the time that you should be using to raise your kid.  But, for god’s sake, don’t expect a “handout.”

For four years I have managed to basically get by without much help (though I have called in all the charity organizations at some point in the last year and have completely tapped out that source of aid), but then I did something stupid on the weekend following New Year’s.  A stupid thing that is fairly common around that time.  You guessed it; I got a DUI.  This is a mistake that I obviously cannot afford.  If I a member of the other class of college student, you know the ones whose parents are paying for their education, the ones who drive shiny new cars and chant racist songs on frat busses, if I were one of them… I could just throw money at it, do some community service, and be done with it all.  I am, however, not one of them.  I have thrown quite a lot of money at it though, because I had absolutely no choice.  I’ve lost 3 months rent on this mistake… and they want so much more.

if only…

I am aware that my mistake was a bad one, and I’ve no intention to try to defend my actions.  I fucked up.  I can’t help, however, but notice that the punishment for such a crime is MUCH worse for poor people than for people with any amount of money… even though it is the exact same punishment for everyone.  This mistake has the potential to completely derail everything that I have been working to achieve.  I have been travailing the arduous road out of poverty for FOUR years.  I want a better life for my daughter.  I want a better life for me.  Hard work, I’m told, is the way to achieve these things… and that is what I’m fucking doing!  One mistake, and any chance that I’ll be able to put my kid through college disappears.

Let’s run the numbers and options, shall we? So far I have spent $1,935 on things directly related to this mistake. I was fortunate to have gotten my student financial aide a few days after it happened, but that money was earmarked for survival and got spent on staying out of jail.  I was sentenced on March 20th and informed of the rest of the money that this will cost.  Hear is the run down of those fees and fines:

$960 to the DA’s office to be paid in the amount of $40/mon,

$480 to be paid to my probation officer in the amount of $40/month,

$1,325.80 to the court clerk to be paid in the amount of $50/mo,

$385 for DUI school,

$100 for a victim impact panel,

$75 fine from the university,

$4,600 (give or take $1,500) which is the cost of installing and renting a breathalyzer device for 5 years. 

All told, with what I’ve already put into it, this will cost approximately $10,000 which is nearly what I live on in a year (about $12,500-ish).   This is to be spread in varying thicknesses over the span of 5 years.  Initially, the cost is $460 + $130/mo which is what I am expected to pay RIGHT NOW as I struggle to figure out how to pay my rent through the summer and the other bills that I currently owe (electric, phone, internet, etc.).

well… I certainly can’t

The effects of the financial demands of my mistake?  I can manage without internet and a phone; I’ve done it before.  Electricity won’t matter much if I don’t have an apartment… but keeping those two things would obviously be better for the fragile stability I try to maintain for the kiddo.  These are the primary concerns, but looking to the future other serious issues pop up.  It is certain that I have to “get a (shitty) job” to have a chance at surviving this without going to jail (which comes with a special breed of child development issues which you can read about here: Children of Incarcerated Parents) or becoming homeless again (which has it’s own effects that you can read about here: Homeless Children).

Even with a job, this may not work out… and there’s a fair chance that I won’t be able to get one in time, or at all.  My class schedule is heavy this semester, though almost over.  It’s going to be hard to find something that is willing to work with it, even temporarily, and give me enough hours to hold off the wolves.  I have 2-3 weeks to come up with about $600 to spread around through the various debtors and keep a tenuous hold on stability.  If I manage this, my primary concerns will be taken care of but this will occur at the cost of my grades because it will use the time I have earmarked for writing term 4 term papers and studying for 6 finals, again, to stay out of jail… and in a home.  My grades can probably stand to take a hit of sorts (they’re pretty good at a solid 3.4 GPA), but if the hit is bad my dreams of one day being a college professor may stop dead in their tracks because grad schools can be pretty picky.  The chance of forfieting grad school, I think, stands at about 50/50… IF it is at all possible to even get paid $600 within 2-3 weeks which, let’s face it, is EXTREMELY unlikely.

What is more likely to occur is a lot of begging.  I can get a job and some shitty hours that won’t be nearly enough but will work with my schedule and leave me a modicum of time to do the school work that remains over the next 3 weeks.  Since I am unlikely to be paid by said job for 3-4 weeks after I start working there, I will have to beg everyone I owe to be patient and cross my fingers that this will work.  There will be 2 bench warrants for me next month (if I don’t come up with $90 by the 1st), regaurdless of begging… which means I could go to jail at any moment.  My landlord might work with me if I have some money coming, but if not they won’t kick me out officially until the latter half of May, and I could theoretically ride the squatters rights until the beginning of June.  The electric company will work with me until I miss my first payment on whatever payment plan they set up for me… then it’s lights out, but not until at least the beginning of June.  I can use the internet at school, but my kiddo will have to get real cozy with some books because that will be the only entertainment in the apartment. We will not be reachable by phone, or email… so, people will have to either stop by or write letters if they want to communicate… at least for as long as we still have a place to live and an address to send letters to.  It is possible that begging will maintain things for a little while. Maybe even long enough for me to become sustainable again.

Worst case scenario: Homelessness –> traumatized child, Jail –> traumatized child, Bad grades –> no grad school –> greatly lessened career path.  There is also the possibility that I will have to quit school entirely to clean up this mess, which means that I will be $60,000 in debt for absolutely nothing! Maybe I’d get back to it… maybe not. Struggling with all of this AND student debt while working a shit job and without the possibility of a better job (via graduating) sound like the set up for a vicious cycle of neverending bullshit.  This mistake that I have made has the potential to ruin our lives.  Can that be said of those who are NOT struggling with poverty?  Does a DUI generally set people up to live in continual poverty with fucked up kids? Should it???

Check and… check.

I firmly believe that the punishment for this crime should be uncomfortable.  It should not be a walk in the park or a lovely picnic.  It should absolutely suck.  But should it have the potential to ruin not one life, but possibly TWO?? Is $10,000 a reasonable amount of money to demand of people who barely have enough to survive? And if not, what is a reasonable punishment and what kind of sliding scale would represent equal discomfort for those who have no issue with throwing money at problems?

The poor people who read this will say nice things because they care more.  Those who could feasibly throw money at the problem will tell me that I did this to myself (which is true) and that I deserve every bit of the exact same punishment that everyone else gets for the same offense.  They won’t give a shit that I’ve been trying to make a better life for me and my kid.  They will fault me for being imperfect as though they’ve never made a mistake or done anything unimaginably stupid.  They will make noise about how upward mobility is possible for everyone and downplay how difficult it is… or how precariously the prospect of a better life is perched ready to fall off the mountain of “hard work.” One slip up… and it’s all gone. Poor people will understand… but they won’t be able to help.

If you want to help and are able, you can do so here: HELP!!!

If not, I get it.  You’re either poor, or you’re glad I’m failing… or, I suppose, some combination of the two. Though that does go against my theory that poor people care more.

I’d like to know what you think of how the law affects different economic classes, so let me know about it in the comments. An interesting video to watch on the topic can be found here: Last Week Tonight: Municipal Violations.  My charge is criminal, but the same principals apply.

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The way old people laugh

I have been volunteering my time at a Salvation Army lately, because I don’t have a job and the State prefers I do something to receive cash assistance. I can’t really blame them; I certainly have never expected to get something for nothing, though it is a little disappointing that even our social services are so incredibly capitalist. That however is a whole different post.

At the Salvation Army Family Store there is a well represented cross section of poverty stricken people. Some obviously struggle with language barriers while others’ struggle is with a fixed income. Still others are in my position: being single and/or unemployed, or underemployed, parents that simply cannot afford the necessities of life the way the world of retail commonly presents them. And of course there are those who are simply buying what they can find for the money their parents gave them, or that they earned at their after school jobs. High School, I think, is its own form of poverty. That too, however, is a subject for another day.

In the category of those on a fixed income I see the older people who come into the store. I quietly watch them, as I watch everyone, shop slowly and chat with the regular employees of the store while I rack some clothes and “rag out” others. They don’t trust me; I’m new and unfamiliar. I don’t wonder how I would respond if any one of them should chance to speak to me, because they wouldn’t… not yet anyway. I have found over the years that older people are more wary of the unfamiliar than we who are still energetic enough to deal with anything negative that may come of exploring. I think that there are fewer surprises in old age, which seems like the only logical conclusion. I hear them speak as though they’ve seen everything there is to see in a human being. They talk about one person’s niece, or another’s son, or someone else’s grandkid in a very matter-of-fact way that finalizes any judgment passed. And it seems to me that when they laugh it is often hollow and sarcastic… as though there is some painful memory of a distant time and a similar situation in which they find a mocking sort of comfort. I’ve heard it with my ears many times in this setting: that humorless laugh. And perhaps it is partly the fault of setting. The weariness of poverty and the lack of control over one’s own financial situation can certainly be disheartening. These persons of considerable age do not seem cynical to me… but in there laugh there is a knowing ironic undertone that gives them away. I tried to remember a time or place in which some older person I know or knew had a deep and sincere belly laugh, and couldn’t think of a single one. I may have covertly heard more proof that Santa Clause is a fairy tale. (Shhhh…. don’t tell anyone) There are likely many people who wouldn’t even notice (in fact, it is an absolute certainty that there are; I could go on for days about the things people don’t notice, and have chosen to start here I suppose), but I spend so much of my time watching and listening that it jumped readily to my ears and prompted thoughts about my own age.

I am only 30. I am not old, but I am not so young anymore either. Aside from a childhood in which I was adequately provided for, I have been poor my entire life. Always lacking some portion of what society considers necessary. Be it a roof, or food, or proper clothing (which are all basic necessities) or a telephone, running and/or hot water, heat and air, or lights and refrigeration, or the many more easily overlooked things, there is always something lacking and has been for 15 years or more. I wonder if I notice the tinge of cynicism in the laugh of the elders because I hear it in my own laugh sometimes and am well aware of its roots. Then I wonder if when I am one of the old ones my true laugh will have dwindled and died completely leaving only that sardonic chuckle. Will I then move through my existence as I do now, simply taking life as it comes and doing what I can? Or will this coping mechanisms lack of productive effort have worn me down to an angry bitter old lady? I suppose there’s a chance that I will find success somewhere in the future. If that happens, will that certain chuckle come only when that “painful memory of a distant time and a similar situation” comes bringing the comfort of knowing that I have overcome? Or will I find some lasting happiness that drowns out the cynicism spawned by life’s earlier disappointments? I have so many questions about what further life may bring. I am anxious to be old and find these answers… but that is likely just my youth talking.

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Feminism: The West and the World

In a recent rant about Feminism I heard that the movement is too divided to affect any viable change. I also heard that Western Feminism is being used as a form of Imperialism in which western women wander the world over forcing their own cultural values on women in regions of vastly different realities. Similarly, I read this morning that being against abortion equates to being against women. And of course, as we all know, Feminists are all angry and hate men. These things in conjunction with a general misunderstanding of what Feminism actually IS have compelled me to write this post.

Lets first cover some basics.

Feminism IS the movement against Patriarchy. Patriarchy is a system in which the (cis) male population is in control of any nation, state, economy, and/or culture. As a citizen of “The West,” I can say that it is undeniable that we live in such a system. It is easy to see such a system in action. Women make up about 52% of the world’s (and “the west’s”) population, but are not represented in such numbers in ANY government or corporation or general economic statistic. We make, at best, $.85 to every dollar made by a man and much of what we are “allowed” to do is still controlled by the men in our lives, though the latter is changing far more rapidly than the former.

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You may be wondering what the "cis" in parenthesis up there means. Cis-gender people are those who personally identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. For instance, I was born female and identify as a female there for I am a cis-woman. I have many friends, however, who were born either male or female but identify as the other… or none at all… or differently from one day to the next. Hello, my gender-fluid peeps! It is important to make this distinction in the current Western Feminist Movement, because the push for gender equality includes these newly recognized (by some) forms of gender. And while the Feminist movement often envelopes the Gay Rights movement gender identity and sexual preference (Lesbian/Gay/Bi etc.) should not be confused or taken as synonymous because a single person could have any combination of Gender and Preference.

Now, to the meat of the matter.

All Feminists agree that Patriarchy is bad. People who do not believe that Patriarchy is bad (or deny that it exists) simply are not feminists. That is pretty simple. In this respect Feminism is absolutely unified. How Feminists express this belief, however, varies greatly. Why would it not?

People tend to have their own ideas about what is important to them, and obviously that would lead to focusing on different facets of the greater problem. In "the west" we are concerned with inequities such as pay and representation, abolishing rape-culture, and adjusting the meaning of "beauty" to be more inclusive and realistic among other things. In many other parts of the world it would be ludicrous to fight for such things. They're still working on the right to an education, or the right to vote, or the right to control their own bodies in any way at all. In the non-western world there are women who have it MUCH worse than anything we have EVER had to deal with. Point in fact: Female circumcision aka. genital mutilation. So… understandably, those women are not fighting for the same things we are, nor should they be. Perhaps they will get to that down the line… and perhaps not. Not only do they have bigger problems to focus on right now, but the things that we, here in "the west," think are important may never be important to them.

Personally, I’d like to believe that western feminists know and understand this. Unfortunately, there are those that do not and they go around telling feminists of the world (and feminists of different cultures here in “the west”) that their fights are not good/true/worthy of the term “Feminism.” Equally as unfortunate is that these people get a LOT of attention but like any extreme faction represent a tiny minority of the movement as a whole. It is the nature of media, after all, to report the unusual.

Media, like everything else in a capitalist world, is a for-profit industry. In order to make profit, it needs viewers and in order to get viewers it must report what is interesting. People, as it happens, are more interested in the unusual, outrageous and unfortunate than the commonplace and mundane. “If it bleeds, it leads,” right? What about media in non-capitalist nations? Well… usually it’s controlled by the government, so I imagine it depends on what the government wants their people to know. I believe their are a few journalists in prison in Egypt that may have some more to say on the matter… in 7-10 years.

Media is, of course, responsible for the idea that Feminists are all angry man-haters. Certainly, there are those who are but they also represent an extreme minority. In fact, the number of cis-men who call themselves feminists is growing fast. Recognizing that women have a lot of offer society and should be treated with respect as human beings does not require one to BE female, or feminine, in any way. It is perfectly possible to be a masculine, heterosexual, cis-man of any color (even white) and believe that Patriarchy is a shitty system and actively speak out against it. These men, who totally exist in large numbers, ARE feminists. And, shot in the dark here, they probably AREN’T man-haters. Most men, I would think, don’t “hate” men, much like most women likely don’t “hate” women (though there probably are some outliers in both groups).

So what’s up with this idea that women who are pro-life (or pro-fetus/baby) are anti-woman? Harkening back to the above idea that the things that are important to some feminists are not important to others, I would like to point out that one can be against Patriarchy AND abortion at the same time. The idea that some women believe that life begins earlier than some others does not mean that they’re against all other women… or that they are totally team Patriarchy. Hell, it doesn’t even mean that they are against Reproductive Rights! The only thing that being pro-life mean is that they are against abortion. Pro-life women can still fight for the right to have affordable and available birth control, and push the front on decent sexual education… and SHOULD if they really want to lessen the frequency of abortions (legal or not). For that matter, it’s possible to be pro-life and understand that making abortions illegal simply makes the abortions that are bound to happen anyway INCREDIBLY unsafe. (for fuck’s sake, do NOT watch Redemption Road if you don’t want to see how heartbreaking THAT is). Personally, I believe that women should have the CHOICE… and that it’s pretty fucked up that legislatively men have the POWER to choose for us… but that’s MY opinion.

I imagine the media blows the abortion debate out of proportion just as much as it does every other debate. The saddest thing about that is that it leads people to believe that they have to choose a side and all opinions in the spectrum in between are invalid. That simply isn’t true. Humanity as a whole exists on spectrums. The us and them mentality is constructed by those who rule over us and it is our job to shatter those conceptions. Feminists work on Patriarchy, Anarchists work on Government and Bureaucracy, Socialists work on Capitalism and many other social justice movements work on many other fronts. All seek to end oppression and inequality and all are valid. All movements hold a spectrum of beliefs about what is important and how important each facet of their movement may be. People, within and between movements, are not going to agree on how to best affect change. The thing is, that’s totally okay. Social Justice movements all agree on one thing: Things gotta change.

I’m gonna keep fighting patriarchy, capitalism and bureaucracy/government. In the process I’ll probably venture into topics of racism, ableism, ageism, queer rights, and whatever else pisses me off. I hope you all do the same.

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